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Chronicles Of A Wayward Lagos Corper – Searching for “The one” [Episode 20]

Story by WayWardPikin

‘I said what are you people doing here?’

I looked at the soldier, the joint burning slowly between my fingers – exhibit A. The soldier stepped into the room, his eyes widening in shock. I stared at Barrister, willing him to do something. Abi no be here he say him smoke just yesterday?

‘Give me your tag!’ The soldier screamed, referring to our card tags that we all carried around our necks. I wasn’t carrying mine, but Barrister had his.

‘I said give me your tag!!’ He screamed, louder this time.

Barrister was already going ‘Please sir…’ and that was the moment when I knew we were screwed. Perhaps this wasn’t the utopia he’d described to me. Or maybe I had the worst luck in the world. People do something and get away with it but once I try it I’m royally fvcked. It was the story of my life.

‘You don’t want to give me your tag right? Just wait I’m coming,’ he said as he sped off with the speed of light. Barrister went after him with immediate alacrity while I sat there with my whole life flashing before my eyes. The devil had finally caught me inside his cooking pot. I put out the joint and threw it under the bunk as I went after the two of them. Everything was happening in slow motion and I was sweating like a christmas goat who knew that his time was up. I saw Barrister holding the soldier on the staircase and begging hysterically, beads of sweat running down his face.

‘Please sir… Abeg now, abeg!’ he begged.

‘I say give me your tag!’ The soldier said as Barrister handed his tag to him. He looked up at me standing at the top of the stairs, looking like I’d seen a ghost. ‘You, give me your tag!’

‘I don’t have it.’

‘Go and get it,’ he commanded, and then he ordered Barrister to follow him.

I was like a zombie as I made my way to my room with numerous thoughts running through my head. What were my options? Could I run away? How was I going to get out of this? No ideas came to mind because even if I tried to escape the stoopid Barrister would lead him straight to my room. I imagined all the people that had been paraded in front of the entire camp for numerous offenses, and I couldn’t believe I would be amongst them. I never believed it could happen. I had been so careful, so eager to avoid anything that could bring me trouble, but in one moment of weakness my whole world was unravelling before me. It took me a while to find my room due to my discombobulated state and the myriad of stairs in the hostel. After entering different rooms only to discover strange people looking at me, I finally found my room and stood beside my bed, my precarious situation turning me into a philosopher. What was I going to tell my parents? That I was decamped because I was caught smoking weed? They didn’t even know their lovely son was involved in such. What of my plans and projections? Down the toilet.

I tried to play it cool in the room and no one noticed my distraught demeanor, except for Arinze.

‘Guy, you dey alright?’ He asked with a look of concern.

‘I’m fine,’ I said, smiling a fake smile.

‘Wayward,’ a voice called behind me. I turned to see a sullen Barrister. Sure enough, he’d led the soldier to my room. The man stood by the door, staring daggers at me. ‘We have to go.’

I quickly got my tag and followed them quietly in order not to draw unnecessary attention to myself. The soldier led us to the ground floor and straight to the OBS studio and in one heart-stopping moment I thought they wanted to announce to the whole camp that they had caught two corpers smoking that illegal and delicious sh!t. There was another soldier seated there and a couple of male & female corpers. The soldier that caught us proceeded to announce to everybody in the room what he’d caught us doing. As if on cue, Barrister and I got on our knees and started begging. Ladies and gentlemen, we begged like we had never begged in our lives before. We begged. Like, we freaking begged. Tears were running down Barrister’s eyes and catarrh was running down my nose.

Na that day I know say I sabi beg.

I blamed everyone and everything. I blamed the devil, I blamed Buhari, I blamed the Nigerian economy, I even blamed Barrister! After all he had been begging me for a long time to indulge against my better judgement.

‘I don’t know what came over me, I’m usually not like this,’ I said as I put on my most innocent and pitiful face, tears filling up my eyes.

‘Where are you from?’ One of the soldiers asked me after a while. Surely this was a sign? Please God let this be a positive sign!

I told him where I was from.

‘I’m from there too,’ he said.

Just then, the door behind us opened. Barrister and I were still on our knees, our pride and dignity out the window. That word didn’t exist anymore.

‘What did they do?’ A very familiar voice behind me said. I turned around. It was the OBS diva that had refused me joining the group for reasons best known to her.

‘These two were caught smoking weed. They shall be punished to the full extent of the law,’ the soldier replied.

‘So what are you waiting for and what are they still doing here? Decamp them!’ She said with so much venom. She stared into my eyeballs as she spoke, and I could see the hatred lurking within those pretty eyes as I stared at her defiantly.

What a b!tch!


To be continued soon

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